So What Is Faith Anyway?

I don’t think that I’ve told anyone this story yet. 

I think maybe I was embarrassed that I was trying something new?  Maybe I thought people would judge me for believing in something so whimsical?  So intangible?  I’m not sure what the right word is here.  It’s hard to put a word on something that represents faith.  Especially coming from someone who didn’t grow up religious.  It’s not that I didn’t have faith.  I had some, it was just pretty surface level.  Like faith that it will be warm in summer, faith that it will snow in winter, faith that if you work hard, you’ll make money and have a good life.  You know, faith in things that could be proven.  I just didn’t have faith in a higher power.  I believed in something, I just didn’t know what that was.  And as I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t do much to explore it.  The idea of God, which was the only real option presented to me, just didn’t sit well with me.  I honestly don’t know how to explain it, but it didn’t feel right for me to sit in a church and pray to someone for something that I wanted.    I didn’t believe that there was someone up in the sky who was going to help me.  This just seemed way too far-fetched to me.  

So what is faith anyway?  When I looked up the definition of faith in the dictionary, I got two very different definitions:

1. Complete trust or confidence in someone or something
2. A strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof

“……based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof…” I think that was where the problem laid for me.  I needed some proof.  

In the meantime, many years of life happened.  I always felt like I was teetering on the edge of something and nothing at the same time.  And whether it was something or nothing, the one constant was that life kept moving.  And when the shit hit the fan I didn’t look to God for the answers or the explanations, I just put my head down and kept moving forward.  I lived by the rule that no one is going to make your life happen except for you. I held the responsibility and it was up to me.  So when it was time to make a change and do something, I just did it.  I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time now.  After college I moved to New York City and I never asked for help once.  There were so many times that I wanted to, but I didn’t.  This life was my responsibility and I needed to be able to take care of myself.  That has always been my mindset.  Figure it out.  And figure it out on your own.  So when I began this journey 18 months ago, I guess that is the mindset that I set out with.  Same as always.  Or so I thought…

Pretty early on in my trip, I started meeting all these other travelers, also going through something and looking for answers, hope, understanding, anything…Dare I say faith?  I don’t know. This is all such a new topic and new exploration for me, I can only share my own story.  But one day I met a girl, and I told her my whole story about why I was there and she immediately recommended this book:  “The Universe Has Your Back, “ by Gabrielle Bernstein.  She was adamant that I read it, and I was open to any and all suggestions about how I was going to figure my life out on my own, so sure, I’ll read it.  As soon as I started it, I was Iike, “I don’t know…this woman sounds a little crazy.”  She was talking to the Universe and telling me that I had to do the same, but the more I read, and the more that I did all the exercises she asked me to do, the more I was like, “Hmmmm….There might be something to this.”

Then one day as I was reading, she said something along the lines of, “How do you know if you’re on the right path?  Do you feel a bit lost and like you just don’t know anything anymore?  Ask the Universe for a sign.”  I was like, “What?”  She went on to explain:  “Do this short exercise – Sit down and write down the first thing that comes to your mind that you want to be your sign from the Universe that you are on the right path.  It can be anything.  And don’t think hard.  Sit down and write the first thing that comes to mind.”  Her sign was an owl.  And she had tons of stories of seeing owls everywhere and knowing, because of that, that she was on the right path.  So I sat down.  And I didn’t think.  The first first thing that came to my mind was this word:  “Viola.”  Oh, man.  Right after I wrote it down, I burst out laughing.  I was like, “Oh, shit.  This is not good.  I’m never going to see any violas anywhere…I’m definitely on the wrong path.”  I thought about crossing it out and writing something else down, but I felt like that would be cheating, so I just left it.   

Those of you who don’t know me are probably like “viola?”  Some of you may not even know what a viola is.  Here is the backstory:

A viola is basically a violin, but bigger, and has a deeper sound.  I started playing when I was 9 years old and I played all the way up until my high school graduation.  I loved it.  And I was quite good.  I was in many orchestras, sat first chair, and won many awards.  But I decided to quit after I graduated.  Honestly, I was burnt out, I was tired of practicing, and I just wanted to have some fun in college.  It is probably one of the worst decisions that I have ever made in my entire life.  I miss my viola deeply, I miss playing music, and I miss being in an orchestra.  And this is not a new feeling.  I have missed it for many, many years.  So, I guess the point of this story is that viola has remained on my mind for a long time.  Why it came into my head on this particular day, I will probably never know, but now I am stuck with it.

Senior Year – 1996 …… And just last summer – 2023, right before I sold my viola to my old private teacher

So back to April of 2023.  I’m in Bali on a yoga retreat and I’m definitely thinking that I am so screwed with this stupid sign that I’ve just created for myself so I went to bed that night cursing Gabby Bernstein and seriously doubting everything that I had been doing up until that very moment.  The next morning, my yoga group was going on a bike tour through the Bali countryside and some small villages.  It was a gorgeous day and I was having a wonderful time thinking about nothing, and suddenly, out of nowhere, I looked up ahead of me and saw a sign that read, “Viola’s Bed & Breakfast.”  Honestly.  I swear to you, I almost fell off my bike.  I can’t even write this without tearing up a little bit.  I was in utter and total shock.  Holy shit.  Gabby was right – she said I would see a sign, no matter what I chose, and I saw it the next day.

The balcony of my yoga retreat in Bali where I concocted my sign…and the famous bike ride where the sign revealed itself.

I could go on and on about how this affected me, but suffice it to say, I was a believer in Gabby Bernstein, the Universe, all of it.  And you have no idea how much I needed that sign.  I was about to pack it up and head home, convinced that I was crazy for even contemplating a digital nomad life.  And then there it was in black and white…VIOLA.  That day changed my life.  I finally felt confident that I was on the right path.  All of this was way too weird otherwise….I mean – what are the chances???  If I had picked the word “rice” or “palm tree” this would have been a lot less meaningful.  But VIOLA?  In Bali?  Enough said.

Since this day, yes, believe it or not, I have seen more violas.  They are not everywhere…sometimes months go by and I see nothing.  Sometimes I forget I have a sign altogether, and then times get hard, and I start to doubt myself again, and a viola pops up somewhere…usually right when I need it.  One time I was in Malaysia at an open mic night at a bar and this guy got up and started playing a violin/viola hybrid.  Yes, these instruments exist.  They are a bit of a freak of nature, but they are around.  Again, I almost dropped my beer.  You must also understand, violas are not popular.  They are like the ugly step-child of the orchestra, always just providing harmonies and melodic support.  They never get any attention, there are few to no solo opportunities, and they are practically invisible.  You are probably like, “Why did this girl play viola??  Sounds awful.”  LOL.  It is a gorgeous instrument, and although it is unpopular, I LOVED it and there is something very special about it, so seeing or hearing a viola anywhere is an EVENT for me.  It’s a big deal.

Malaysia Open Mic Night

Fast forward to today.  I am living in Hanoi.  I want to go see a show at the Hanoi Opera House.  Any show.  So I go to the box office to buy a ticket.  The woman in the office doesn’t speak any English, but she shows me the ticket for the next show and it has a picture of a woman playing violin.  All the rest of the words are in Vietnamese.  Good enough for me.  I have no idea if it is a full orchestra with a featured violinist (which is quite common), a chamber orchestra, or maybe just a solo violinist.  It doesn’t matter.  I am going to see live classical music and I’m happy.

The day of the show arrives and I am sitting in the hall.  The woman comes on stage and begins to play – solo.  I am immediately struck by how beautiful her instrument sounds.  Deep.  Warm.  And a little dark.  I look closer and think to myself, “That’s a big ass violin.”  Suddenly, it hits me – that’s a viola!!!  But I can’t even believe it, because as I told you, violas don’t get this kind of attention.  They don’t get solo performances on international stages.  I am so in shock and utter amazement at my luck to be seeing this!  I mean, the chances are slim to none.  I waited my whole life to see a violist play an entire concert on her own.  Never in my life has this ever happened.  Does it ever happen anywhere???  Nonetheless, it was happening now. My childhood dream coming to life.  And then something else hit me….Oh my God – this is MY SIGN!  I had forgotten all about my sign.  Here it was – literally smacking me in the face.  And right as I am making some huge changes in my life.  Yes, you know what’s next.  I definitely cried.  I couldn’t help it.  Not only was I so shaken by simply seeing and enjoying this fabulous performance, but I was also receiving my sign.  Clear as day:   YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH.

I went home on a cloud that night.  What a feeling!  It is daunting sometimes, being out here alone, challenging myself, pushing myself in a direction that is absolutely outside of my comfort zone, but when something like this happens, and I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, it is the most powerful feeling in the world.  You truly feel like you can do anything.  

And faith in a higher power?  What do you think?  

You bet your ass I have tons of it now.