Being Home

It has now been 7 weeks since I have been home. 

At this point in my visit I am starting to feel super comfortable and like I am slipping back into my old “American” way of life, while also simultaneously itching to get back on the road.  It’s a very confusing feeling.  

On the one hand, I am feeling comfortable in America again.  All the comforts of home are no longer exceptional; they are just normal.  Seeing everyone has almost become routine again, although I am acutely aware that I plan to leave again so I still try to savor every moment with loved ones.  But life is – normal – for lack of a better word. It’s hard for me to decide if normal is good or bad.  I suppose it is somewhere in the middle.  

On the other hand, my head is spinning with where I am going and what I am doing next.  And more importantly, I feel that tingling down in my belly to get back out there and see the world.  It is also at this point in time that I start to feel guilty about not working on myself, my business, and my life in general because I am spending so much time trying to be present with everyone that I care about.  

It’s like a constant tug-of-war.  

I’ve tried to do things differently this time by bringing some of my new habits and lifestyles with me – More yoga & more meditation, for example. I’m also continuing to teach yoga and barre this time around. And finally, I’m trying earnestly to let go of those things that don’t serve me and lean more into those that do.  The hard part, I am finding, is that the American way of life makes doing these things extremely difficult.  There are just so many distractions here.  And everyone is moving so fast.  It’s damn near impossible to focus, and when I do slow down, I feel guilty for not moving faster.  It’s a way of life that I have become unaccustomed to.  The hustle and bustle is almost too much for me.  The biggest difference between America and Southeast Asia, in my opinion, is the pace of life.  People seem to stop and smell the roses more on the other side of the world.  Although I have been doing my damndest to be present with each and every moment that I have had here, I can’t fully enjoy it because I feel like I should be doing something else or that I should be keeping up with everybody else who is moving so quickly around me.  

Here is a good example:  I am teaching Yin Yoga at my barre studio now, and it is an offering that you don’t see very often in American studios.  It is also referred to as Restorative Yoga, or some other similar name, but it is not very popular here.  Almost all yoga studios here focus on Vinyasa, or breath to movement – flow yoga – that is relatively fast-paced and seems to almost always be in a heated studio. People here want to move, they want to move fast, and they want to sweat while they are doing it.  I admit, I was like this prior to traveling as well.  If I wasn’t sweating, it wasn’t a workout, and I looked at it as a waste of time.  Boy, do I feel differently now.  Yin Yoga is a meditative form of yoga done primarily on the ground where you hold poses for 3-5 minutes at a time.  It is more about your breath, and stretching and elongating your ligaments and fascia, than it is about “working out.”  It is about awareness and mindfulness.  It is about getting in touch with your body and soul.  It is about slowing down.  I teach a very traditional yin yoga class in a non-heated studio; the way that they practice it in India.  I have had so many students comment to me after class how they have never experienced a yoga class like this.  They leave feeling relaxed, more in tune with themselves, and sort of floating on a cloud in a calm and peaceful state.  Afterwards, we talk about how important it is for us all to slow down, and how the American way of life makes this so difficult.  It’s just not how we were raised.  Go, Go, Go.  Achieve, Achieve, and Achieve some more.  You just got that great job?  Awesome.  Now go get a promotion.  You just bought your first house?  Awesome.  Not go get a bigger one.  I just wish we could all slow down a little bit and enjoy what we have for a change.  Soak it in.  Be in the moment.  Enjoy it.  Live it.  Love it.  And let go of that “what’s next” mentality.  

Life moves too fast for me here now.  I admit it – I am SLOW.  Since I have been home, so many people have asked me what I have been doing.  I almost feel guilty when I answer, because I haven’t done much. I have just been trying to enjoy myself.  Cherishing every sip of coffee with my best friend that I haven’t seen in a year, watching old 80’s movies in bed with my sister, teaching yoga to my niece and nephew on the deck, watching my step-daughter play soccer, making dinner with my Mom, sipping a beer and cheering on the Packers with my Dad…I haven’t been doing much, but what I have been doing I’ve been doing slowly and deliberately, trying to squeeze every ounce of joy out of even the most mundane experiences.  

Because of this, it does feel like I have been ignoring my business, and in turn, not addressing how I am going to survive or what I am going to do next.  People keep asking me that very same question:  “Where are you going next?  When are you leaving?  What will you be doing?”  My answer since I have arrived is that I am waiting for a sign from the Universe to tell me where to go and what to do.  Coming from a self-proclaimed planner (in my old life), this is something extraordinary.  It seemed like a good plan when I got here, but 7 weeks later the signs have not been very forthcoming.  I still don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going next, and because I am beginning to feel that itch, the uncertainty has become somewhat troublesome to me.  In the meantime, I am trying to lean into my faith that the signs are coming and that I will know my next steps soon enough.  

Until then, I am going to continue enjoying my people and appreciating every moment of my time here.  I am starting to understand that not receiving a sign is the sign.  Apparently, this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now – Smelling the roses, if you will……And right now, the roses smell pretty damn good. 🌹