So it has officially been one month since I left America for the third time…and it has not been easy. One of these days I am going to get on here and write something really beautiful, uplifiting, and light-hearted, but today is not that day.
Unfortunately, I have struggled big time for the past 30 days. I wrote a little bit in my last blog about how Puerto Vallarta wasn’t what I was expecting/hoping it would be…and how it was a lesson in letting go of attachments and expectations. But it was more than that. I never felt comfortable there. I was like a fish out of water…which is weird, because almost everywhere else that I have gone, I have felt at ease. Is it Mexico? Is it me? Has the thrill of travel worn off? Am I tired? Am I finally facing what happened to me in my old life and I just don’t want to deal? I don’t know….but it has felt hard and heavy and exhausting. And I just can’t shake this feeling of sadness for some reason…
It doesn’t help that I contracted Dengue Fever the day after my 47th birthday. At least the Universe let me have a nice birthday. I started the day with a lovely yoga class, followed by a glorious day at the beach, a nice massage and facial, a lovely sunset on the beach, followed by a beautiful, upscale dinner with a friend (osso buco!). I went to bed very happy that night. And then I woke up with an excruciating headache…Had I had that much wine the night before? I only had 2 glasses at dinner…I have been known to have way more than that in my day…Maybe the deep tissue massage stirred something up? I was convinced that the massage released some toxins into my bloodstream and I didn’t drink enough water to counteract it so I was paying the price now. But then the fever came. Out of nowhere. Suddenly I was not well at all. I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes and knew something was very wrong.
The calm before the storm…A pretty perfect birthday.
Being sick when you’re at home sucks. Being sick anywhere sucks. But when you are sick in a foreign country, it REALLY sucks. I haven’t had my own bed for over two years now, but somehow I still missed it. And when you have a 104 degree fever, a pounding headache, and nausea, all you really want is your mom to take care of you. I don’t care how old you are; that is really all you want. Your own bed, and your mom. And neither one of those was happening. I tried to be strong, and just get through it, but there were a lot of tears as I realized (thanks, and no thanks, to the internet) that I likely had dengue fever. I had heard rumors swirling about that there was an uptick in dengue cases in the area, but I always try to be positive that these things are not going to happen to me….I mean, what are the chances? You have to get bit by that ONE mosquito. And really, what am I supposed to do – stay in and hide from all mosquitos?? You have to continue living and take your chances….Well, that gamble didn’t work out so well for me this time.
I now know more about Dengue Fever than I ever wanted to know. Here are a few tidbits I picked up: Only 1 in 4 people have Dengue symptoms…most don’t even know that they have it. Not me. I knew. Of the 1 in 4 who experience symptoms, 1 in 20 have severe symptoms. My symptoms were textbook. I had severe fever for the first two days, loss of appetite, headache, achy muscles, and nausea. Day 3 I finally went to the doctor. He took one look at me and said “dengue.” He said he could tell by looking at my skin. I was beginning to get the dengue rash. By Day 4, I had a full rash of itchy red bumps covering my entire body. Fevers were now being managed by horse pills of acetaminophen. No advil, Ibuprofren, etc. These can all cause internal bleeding – in case you have severe effects. Which leads you to Days 5-7. Your fever begins to subside, or you only experience it at night, but now you are susceptible to low blood platelets which can cause internal bleeding…you must watch for severe abdominal pain, nose or mouth-bleeding, blood in your stool, etc. Since I was having such a textbook case, I was 100% convinced that I was going to have severe complications. I was beside myself. By this point, I am totally depressed, convinced I am never going to recover, scared of any mosquito that shows up buzzing in my room, and I am also convinced that I am never going to be able to live out my dream of living in tropical areas because – and here’s the kicker – once you have dengue, you are more likely to experience even more severe symptoms if you get it again. And you can get it again, because although you are immune from the strain that bit you, there are 4 different strains out there!
Remnants of Dengue…the second picture is my first real meal in a week. I don’t look right in any of these pics…my skin is a weird ashy, red blotchy mess…but I had to make an attempt to get out of my apartment, eat something, and move my body.
Honestly, it’s enough to drive you crazy. And I think it partially did. I never wanted to leave an Airbnb so badly in my life….I just could not be in that prison anymore….
I am currently on Day #8 and I am writing this from a cafe in Sayulita…50 minutes up the coast from Puerto Vallarta. A sweet little surfer/hippy village and I am SO happy to be here. The fever is gone. The rash is beginning to subside. I only woke up with a small headache this morning. Am I still scared of mosquitos? YES. Am I still on guard about my health? YES. Do I want to live this way? NO. I hate being so on guard all the time. It’s not me and it’s not how I like to live my life. But when your health gets rocked like that and you are all alone in a country where English is not the doctor’s native tongue…it’s scary and it stays with you.
A fresh start in Sayulita…Trying to get back out there! Dengue may have slowed me down, but it won’t stop me!
Am I going to go home and quit traveling? No, but I did consider it. This whole experience shook me and will likely be with me for a while. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I’m not sure why this happened, except to maybe knock me out of my bubble that nothing bad could happen to me. It is true – bad things can happen to anyone, anytime. I felt pretty invincible for a long time…I know I’m not, but now my confidence has been shaken. It’s a feeling that I am unfamiliar with and I don’t like it. I have taken to wondering if anything that I’m doing is even worth it anymore? Maybe 2 years of almost full-time travel was enough? Have I reached my limit? I have been having the urge for the comforts of a home, friends and family, and even the prospect of dating and love again. I’m sure it’s normal to think this way and have these thoughts…it had to happen eventually, but it has really fucked with my head. I know there are many people out there who love me, but sometimes I just feel so alone. Lately I have been yearning for a relationship. Any relationship. But in particular, a romantic one. Maybe it’s just the sickness talking, but suddenly, I don’t feel so sure about what I am doing anymore….Or maybe I have just been watching too much Netflix. Whatever it is, it has left me feeling lost and a bit sad.
In an effort to tip the scales and not be such a Debbie Downer to myself, I have been repeating the mantra that time heals all wounds. Each day should get a little bit better than the one before it. It’s been a physical and emotional rollercoaster for a while now…It’s taken a toll and it’s left a mark, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
It’s Day #8 of Dengue. It’s also Day #683 of my journey. It’s been 683 days of living this new, wild life. 8 days of hell out of 683. I’d say that’s a pretty good ratio. Nothing left to do but continue to play the odds and hope for a little love and good fortune along the way. I can get down on myself and wallow in my own self-pity or I can get up and keep fighting for the life I want and know that I deserve. Better days are ahead and I refuse to give up!
(And a word of advice – Don’t forget the bug spray! Seriously!)
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