Grief vs. Joy: An Unwanted Tradeoff

The hardest part of this journey is being away when somebody needs you.  Or when you just want to be there for someone.  To physically be there…for that human touch.  To hold your best friend close when her brother dies, to give your Mom a hug on her birthday, to give your Dad a high five when the Packers score a touchdown, or to just feel that palpable energy when you are in person with someone.  

I love traveling, but I hate missing these moments.  I know it was my choice, and I need and want to live my own life, but these moments just kill me.  It is hard to find that balance between knowing what you are doing is right, and also knowing that you will not get these moments back.  I am grateful for technology and the fact that I can still see people on FaceTime, FB Messenger, WhatsApp and other interfaces, but it’s not the same as truly being there. And I can’t just fly home every time something happens.  I want to.  And I wish I could.  And I would if I could.  But I can’t.  And I know everyone knows that, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I feel guilt, and sometimes shame, for choosing me over everyone else.  Is that what I’ve done?  Chosen myself?  Does that make me selfish?  I hope not.  I’m not trying to be selfish, and I don’t want to be selfish, but it sure feels that way sometimes.  

Since I have been out here, my Uncle has unexpectedly passed away, my best friend’s brother has died, another Uncle’s brother (who I know and love dearly) is in hospice, my 4 and 7-year old niece and nephew are growing up before my online eyes, my sister is getting ready to graduate college, my other sister is navigating her husband’s brain cancer (but thankfully, they are on the road to recovery), and this has all only happened since January.  I know that bad things happen, and that we have to move on and can’t sit around waiting for them to happen, but oh what I would give for a magic airplane that could get me home in a matter of hours, for free, and then take me back once I have had all my hugs and quality time.  

Being here is a trade off.  It is magical and there are so many wonderful things about being here and experiencing life the way that I am right now, but the losses cut deep.  Deeper than they did before.  It almost feels like I am being punished for choosing me.  Really, it is like a huge punch in the gut when I get bad news and then I just have to sit here with it.  Alone.  And I don’t have anyone to give me a hug, either.  Please don’t mistake me.  I’m not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me.  I’ve made my choices.  I’m just saying that they are not always easy, and it’s times like these that I doubt them.  I knew things like this would happen and that I would have to deal with them on my own, but it is harder than I ever imagined.  

When I get really down, and blame myself for missing all of these important life moments, I try to remember why it is I came out here in the first place.  And that was TO LIVE LIFE.  And I know that all of these people that I am missing, and those that have passed that I have known and loved so much, would tell me to keep going.  Life is hard.  And it is sad.  But there is so much joy to be found too……The sun will continue to rise, and the sun will continue to set, and I have to keep looking for that light.